


Recipe for Disaster

by lethallen



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, M/M, canon-expected levels of baking ability, no but seriously all i've got is bakery aus this is my niche and i live here now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26259169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lethallen/pseuds/lethallen
Summary: When a new bakery opens down the street from his office, Hyperion City's resident PI with a sweet-tooth decides to drop in. The man behind the counter is... not what he expected.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Rita & Juno Steel
Comments: 13
Kudos: 80





	Recipe for Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> I'm only in the mood to write bakery AUs which, in my opinion, is extremely good and powerful and sexy of me. Enjoy!

Most people were surprised to hear that Juno Steel, rough and tumble private eye, had a sweet tooth. Or, well, it was more that they seemed surprised he was willing to admit it, like he should have claimed to only drink black coffee sweetened with cigarette ash or something. Regardless, he _did_ have a sweet tooth, so when a new bakery seemed to pop up out of nowhere down the street from his office, he figured it couldn’t hurt to try it out.

“Oh, you’re gonna love it, boss!” Rita, who had already beaten him to the punch, exclaimed. “They’ve got a whole bunch of different kinds of cake, and macarons, and _cookies_ , and—Oh! Oh, the _ambiance_ , it’s such a classy place, you won’t believe it! I can’t believe they chose to set up shop here instead of Halcyon Park or somethin’! Oh, and you should see the baker, he’s a real—”

Rita had been cut off by the chime of the bell as she opened the bakery’s door, but Juno, catching sight of the baker in question, could fill in the blank. He was a _dream_. Tall, gorgeous hair, a perfect smile—one that featured thrillingly sharp teeth. There was something unsettling about him, a little threatening, but it… _worked_. Juno wouldn’t mind being threatened by him. Especially if it meant being pinned up against a wall.

The smile on the baker’s face was slowly turning amused, curious, and Juno started to wonder what that meant when he felt Rita nudge him hard in the side. “Mister _Steel_ ,” she muttered (or as close to muttering as Rita could manage). “He’s _talking_ to you.”

Juno felt his face warm, and that amused light in the baker’s eyes only brightened further. “Oh. Uh. Sorry, I was… distracted.”

“Quite alright.” Oh god, that _voice_. And that smile. Juno was a goner. “The place is a lot to take in.”

The baker was being kind; Juno’s eyes hadn’t strayed from his face since he walked in and they both knew it. But now they did, scanning the bakery and—wow. Yeah. It _was_ a lot to take in. Not in a bad way. In fact, it was probably the most tastefully decorated establishment he’d been in for a while. A mix of modern and ancient, chandeliers and art and gold embellishments adorned the place like it was a high-class bar. And then Juno’s eyes rested on the food and—wow again. They were lined up in the display case in perfectly color-coordinated rows, adorned in fancy icing and edible flowers and candy glass. It was something else. Something that belonged in Minerva Heights.

“So,” the baker said, drawing the word out as if to give Juno time to pay attention. “What can I get for you two lovely ladies?”

Rita broke into a fit of giggles before practically pressing her face to the display glass and beginning her increasingly distressed decision-making process. There was no change in Juno, whose face had not gotten less warm in the intervening moments. Instead, he busied himself by staring past Rita at the desserts. Or, tried to busy himself that way; he kept stealing glances back at the baker, who was nodding emphatically at whatever Rita was saying as his gaze lifted to meet Juno’s. The smirk on his lips made Juno feel the need to take deep, even breaths. God, what a sap.

It seemed Rita had finished with her order, because the baker said, in that smooth, pleasant voice, “And what about you?”

Juno, for all the time he spent staring at the desserts, had not actually paid them much attention, so he picked the first thing he saw. He wasn’t really picky, after all. “Uh, how about the… raspberry rose cupcake?”

The baker smiled warmly. “Well, don’t you two have exceptional taste? Take a seat and I’ll have that right out for you.”

Juno sat across from Rita at a table that felt too fancy for him. It took all of two seconds for her to lean in, looking delighted. “What’d I tell ya, boss! Ain’t this place somethin’?”

“It’s definitely… something,” Juno said, looking anywhere but at the baker plating their desserts. Soon enough, though, he had a perfectly valid excuse to do so as the man placed his plate in front of him. The cupcake looked _perfect_. Beautiful, like art instead of food. He almost didn’t want to eat it, but, well. Everybody made sacrifices.

“Enjoy, you two!” The baker was now close enough for Juno to read his nametag, which announced him to be _Jasper_ in perfectly scrawled calligraphy. He was also close enough for Juno to smell him, which was—Okay, so while he wasn’t exactly known for his adherence to even the most basic etiquette rules, Juno knew it was creepy to smell people. But that didn’t stop him from seriously considering burying his face in Jasper’s neck. The guy didn’t smell sweet, like Juno expected, but, God, he smelled _good_.

And then he was backing away, as though to make a quick escape, and Juno felt the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them. “Say, can I ask you a question?”

Well. It definitely could have been worse.

Jasper smiled that fox’s smile and nodded. “Why, of course.”

“Why’d you open this place here? Classy joint like this, you could’ve opened it in Minerva Heights if you wanted. People would be lining up around the block with a lot more creds than you’re probably making now.”

“I considered it,” Jasper replied, crossing his arms over his chest. The guy was thin, but Juno could see biceps pressing against the fabric of his sleeves and, well. He had to work to focus. “But I found that I was much freer here to do as I wished. The extravagantly wealthy are so _demanding_. Used to getting their way. It’s much more satisfying to offer small pleasures to people who truly enjoy it.”

The answer made sense and appeased Juno, though he made no show of it before moving on to the next question. “You opened up pretty fast, too. Couple of days ago, this place was empty, now it’s… this.” Juno gestured to the crystal chandelier, which he felt was a good placeholder to the general splendor of the place.

“It’s my first time opening a bakery; I was eager.”

Fair enough, but – “Seems like it’d be expensive, opening so fast. Where’d you make your money before getting into the bakery business?”

There was that amusement again, mirth and warmth that lit up his whole face. “I feel compelled to ask: am I under investigation, detective?”

Juno’s face grew hot again, and he realized that, yeah, okay, he’d been asking too many questions. But for once, it wasn’t because he was trying to find a bad guy. Then he realized something. “Wait, how’d you know I’m a detective?”

“I have an incredible talent for reading people,” he replied, still amused, which made Juno _feel_ amusing without making him feel like he was being made fun of. Even if he kind of _was_ being made fun of. “Also, Rita mentioned she worked for a detective, and she’s called you boss since you two came in. I’m fairly adept at deduction.” 

Oh, right. Rita. When he turned to her, she was grinning like the cat that ate the canary, and it occurred to him that this was the quietest he’d heard her in a long time. Maybe ever. Her silence was vaguely threatening, though not in the way he was used to.

“Well, I’ve taken up too much of your time,” Jasper said gracefully, as though Juno hadn’t been the one holding him hostage. “I’ll leave you to enjoy your cupcake.” With a wink, he turned on his heel and made his way into the back of the bakery.

Juno didn’t look at Rita, instead staring hard at his cupcake, but he could practically hear her vibrating in her seat. “Don’t say it.”

“I wasn’t saying _nothin_ ’.” But she delivered the line in such a sing-song voice that it was clear that “ _nothin’_ ” wouldn’t last long.

Sighing, Juno finally lifted his cupcake off of his plate and took a bite.

“Well? How is it, boss?”

He chewed and swallowed before replying, slightly breathless. “Really… incredible.” Just like the man who’d baked it.

Goddamn it.

* * *

“Where are you off to, Mister Steel?”

Juno knew Rita was only asking the question to (lovingly) rub it in his face; she knew the answer already. He was, of course, tempted to lie, but that would probably only be more embarrassing.

“I’m, uh. Headed to the bakery.”

“ _Ohhhh_ ,” Rita said, with all the subtlety of a roman candle and a blinding grin. “You hoping to catch sight of a _certain baker_?”

“Maybe I just want a cupcake, Rita.” Not that the baker in question was ever there, anyway. Juno had gone to the bakery nearly every day for a week and a half, and each time he saw the same person with bubblegum pink hair manning the counter. When he asked them, after going three times and not seeing Jasper, where the owner was, they shrugged their shoulders. “Dunno. I’ve never met him.”

“What? Who hired you, then?”

“He did, but we never met. He just tells me when to come in. Everything’s already baked and set out when I get here.” After a long pause during which Juno tried to make sense of this, they looked at him with mild annoyance. “Are you gonna buy something or what?”

It should have been discouraging, and it was. Kind of. But not enough to keep him coming back again and again, hoping to catch sight of the man he couldn’t seem to get off of his mind.

Juno shook himself out of his thoughts only to realize Rita was staring at him even more smugly, all but wiggling her eyebrows. “Well, you _enjoy_ your _cupcake_ , boss.” Her exaggerated wink only sped up his departure, the slammed door a punctuation mark to his annoyance. Still, he paused once he was on the street, taking a moment to prep himself for more disappointment. He didn’t know why he bothered, but regardless of his reasoning, his feet had already started carrying him in that direction like a goddamn gravitational pull.

It was almost funny, the surprise that struck him when he opened the door to see Jasper standing at the counter. Juno froze in the doorway, but the bell had given him away, and Jasper lifted his head. The smile that appeared the second he saw who his customer was nearly sent Juno into cardiac arrest.

“Ah, if it isn’t my favorite customer. Welcome, Mr. Steel.”

The first thing out of Juno’s mouth was, unfortunately, “You haven’t been here.” _Goddamn it, Steel. Like you weren’t already transparent enough._

Jasper’s smiled broadened and he tilted his head. “No, I haven’t. Not when you come in, at least. I come in quite early to do the baking, so I hired an employee to run the counter for the rest of the day.” It was a slight over-explanation, as if he predicted the next words out of Juno’s mouth would be a question. Maybe it was weird, but Juno… _liked_ being predicted by Jasper. Normally he didn’t like to be predicted by anybody, but, well. This baker broke all of his rules.

What Juno _could_ have done without, maybe, was Jasper’s ability to turn his brain into mush. He did so pretty effectively when he said, with a sly grin, “Does that mean that you missed me?”

Juno spent a few moments sputtering, which earned him a laugh that almost made the embarrassment worth it. “I’m only teasing you, Juno.” The way he said his name… God, Juno was turning into an idiotic romantic. “I’m quite pleased to see you, actually.”

“You are?” Juno asked, because two words felt pretty safe in terms of what he could manage at the moment.

“I am.” Jasper’s eyes were earnest, warm, and Juno wanted to sink into them. Then he reminded himself that this was probably weird behavior. This was _definitely_ weird behavior. He didn’t want to harass this poor guy at his work. Then again, he didn’t seem harassed, but he was also _working_ , and Juno had spent _a lot_ of money there, so maybe—

Jasper’s voice kept him from spiraling further. “Whatever you’re thinking about, I can almost guarantee that you’re overthinking,” he told him, quirking an amused eyebrow. “I’d discourage it, as attractive as your thinking face is.”

Okay, he definitely didn’t seem harassed. Maybe there was something to this. That was, if Juno could pull himself together enough to _make_ something of it. “I was thinking about the best way to ask you to dinner while I have the chance, actually.” _There you go, Steel. Get it back together_.

Jasper’s eyes were doing that sparkling thing again. Juno soaked it in. “Certainly a compelling thought that I’m sure will lead to an even more compelling evening. In light of our current setting, however, I feel I should ask whether you were looking for something sweet. Or, well,” and his eyes were glimmering brighter than the crystal chandelier then, “a _different_ kind of sweet.”

Juno smirked – thank God he felt in-control enough to _smirk_ again – and readied his retort when the window beside him shattered. He dropped down instantly. Fortunately, he wasn’t near enough to the window for any glass to hit him. _Un_ fortunately, he had next to no cover. Suddenly, a hand shot out and grabbed his wrist.

“Come back here, Juno,” that smooth voice said, way too calm for a civilian whose shop window had just exploded. And, judging by the burnt smell in the air, was about to be shot into.

Still, he didn’t have much of a choice but to crawl around the counter until he was side by side with Jasper.

“What unfortunate timing,” the baker (?) muttered under his breath before untying his apron to reveal the two impressive-looking daggers that had been stored inside, pressed neatly to his chest.

The sigh Juno let out was so long-suffering, people in the 21st century could hear it.

“You’re not a baker, are you?”

“No,” he replied cheerfully, pulling a blaster out from inside of a cabinet, “And we’re all the better off for it, quite frankly. I’m terrible in the kitchen.”

Of course. Of _course_ this would happen to Juno. Goddamn it. “Do you even own this place?”

A blaster shot sounded off, and then there was a giant, sizzling hole in the wallpaper. Jasper cocked his gun. “Not if you want to get technical about it. But you’ll have to forgive me if I’m a tad preoccupied for technicalities. Do you have your gun?”

“I’m not going to shoot these people, Jasper! For all I know, _you_ could be the lowlife.” But even as he looked at Jasper – pink-cheeked, looking thrilled and determined and devil-may-care all at once – Juno knew that wasn’t true. Was he being sentimental, blinded by a pretty face? Or was it just his instincts? He didn’t have time to question it, not as another shot landed much closer to his head. Huffing, he pulled out his blaster.

“Set it to stun if you want to be moral about it, but I assure you, theirs are not.”

“Yeah, I’ve figured out that much based on the crater in your fancy wallpaper.” Juno chanced a look over the counter, where he saw three figures standing outside the shattered bakery window. He’d been around the block enough to know what mercenaries looked like. Quickly, he ducked his head back down before they spotted him, looking at the man beside him with disbelief. “Christ, Jasper, what did you do?”

“Lots of things. Illegal things, admittedly, but only to people who deserved a dip in their savings. Or art collections. Or closets. Or—”

“I _get it_ ,” Juno said through his teeth before taking in a steadying breath. “Alright. On three, I’m going to take the two on either side, you take the one in the middle. Doubt you’ll get the chance to use your knives.”

“You know, I’m surprisingly willing to make that sacrifice.”

Juno rolled eyes, but there was something… exciting about the moment, about being there with Jasper (which, now that Juno thought about it, probably wasn’t even his name). It thrummed underneath his skin, real and alive, and he wondered if it had more to do with the prospect of a shoot-out or whose thigh was brushing his. “One… two… _three_!”

It was short work. Alarmingly short work, really, making Juno wonder, amused, about the sucker who had paid them over one cred for their shoddy work. The three mercenaries were unconscious on the floor, clearly having expected to get Jasper alone. If Juno hadn’t been there, he presumably would have been.

“Well. That was—” In the chaos, Juno hadn’t noticed the other man slip out, but he had. Probably smart; handcuffs were burning a hole in Juno’s pocket, and he probably would have used them, however reluctantly. Running a hand over his hair and sighing, he turned to go when he spotted something on the floor. A napkin with something written on it.

 _Juno, I owe you dinner. XOXO, Peter_. Underneath the message was a kiss in the same red lipstick Jasper – _Peter_ – had been wearing. Against his better judgment, he shoved the note into his pocket, where it would stay until Peter made good on his promise. The scent of him still lingered in the air, and Juno breathed deeply, swiping a raspberry rose cupcake on his way out.


End file.
